Your Relationship Has Ended Now, So What Does Moving On Look Like?
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So things didn’t go as planned and there’s a whirlwind of emotions consuming you. Whether you were betrayed, abused, ghosted, or have a mutual understanding that you are better off apart, it can be devastating. The two of you have built a routine and or a life together with all the time spent and hurdles… and now it’s over? Was all of that for nothing?
The truth is, out of all the countries in the world, America landed in 6th place for the highest divorce rate with 50% of marriages ending in divorce. The point is, most of us have or will experience heartbreak. I know I know… that sounds sad, BUT in every failed relationship there is an opportunity to learn and grow in a way that no other experience would allow for.
Reflecting on the Relationship
Whether you’re the one searching for closure or the one trying to wipe your hands clean and continue forward, reflection is a very important step. Reflect on how the relationship started, where you met, and how your love came to be. Then think about the journey together, the good times, the bad. and the ugly. What mistakes were made on your end and theirs? Did you lift each other up or put each other down? Did you both envision and desire the same future? Was it even discussed?
Tyler Perry relates relationships to the anatomy of a tree, with some being a leaf, a branch, or a root. A leaf symbolizes someone who is only meant to be in your life for a season. A branch is someone who appears strong and supportive but pressure causes a snap. And a root, the life source of the tree… someone who is going to be there year after year and continue to bring life and beauty to the tree. Sometimes we want that root so badly we’ll convince ourselves we need them, but what if they were meant to be a leaf or a branch?
Reflect on what you loved about the relationship, and what you didn’t, learn from the mistakes made, and apply your more evolved self to your next relationship when the time is right.
Symptoms During Heartbreak
It doesn’t take a genius to declare a broken heart after a breakup; but sometimes when you're thick of it, it’s hard to tell yourself that most of these feelings are normal given the circumstances. If the breakup just happened some common symptoms and examples to be on the lookout for are:
Negative Thoughts — “What’s wrong with me?” “I’ll never love another...”
Depression — Lack of energy and motivation, Anti-socialism, binging.
Physical Pain — Chest pain, upset stomach, tense shoulders, and headaches from the stress
Mental Pain — Panic attacks, the feeling of being emotionally triggered, the shame of a failure.
Now, just because these questions, emotions, and pains are normal does not mean you should be shameful. There’s probably nothing wrong with you and as long as you don’t completely barricade yourself behind emotional walls, you will find love again. It might not be easy, most likely won’t be, but in time the cloud will clear and you will see your path once again.
Stages of Heartbreak
The stages of heartbreak directly mirror the stages of grief after a death. They’re not the same but yet very similar to one another. You’re mourning the death of a relationship; a person that was there every day is no longer there and future plans will no longer happen. This can take time to adjust to so give yourself grace, and allow for time to reflect, cry, as well as to be happy! Stages include:
Denial — “This isn’t happening, you don’t really want this?!”
Bargaining — “How can I change? I’ll do better… I’ll be different.”
Anger — “How could they do this to me?” Wanting “revenge” or getting angry with yourself.
Depression — Feeling weighed down, unmotivated, and unenergized.
Acceptance — “It wasn’t meant to be, and I’m okay with that.”
Breakups are rarely mutual, so whether this was your choice or not, these are some clues to help explain your situation or some things to listen for from your former partner. It’s a little ironic how when we’re going through heartbreak, the only thing that seems to be the cure is the one that broke your heart to begin with. But remember, things aren’t always what they seem. In order for a wound to heal, you need to leave it alone.
Tips for Moving On
Try to reflect on your life before you met this person, before they became your significant other. Allow this to help you see a future without them as well. Everything that you need to feel complete including the love you deserve is already inside you. Your true strength is being forged in the embers and ashes of this love, and with a little bit of time, you will emerge again. It’s important to try and think positively, even if this feels negative.
Tell yourself this time apart is a good thing… Either we will grow as individuals and come back together when the timing makes more sense OR it is truly not meant to be and in that case, the break was inevitable and for the better. It’s okay if this one didn’t work out because this chapter taught you something. Maybe it taught you something about yourself like what you like and don’t like, or maybe it taught you some red flags. There’s always a lesson to be learned and it’s worth searching for.
Ways to Help Yourself After a Breakup:
Treat Yourself to a New Look — Get a new haircut, get your nails done, some cute new clothes or makeup to help revive yourself again. Retail Therapy is a thing. Purge and redecorate a room in your home.
Reconnect with Yourself — Think about if you’ve gotten away from some of the things you love or been depriving yourself for the sake of the relationship and get back to it. Finding yourself again can be frustrating in the beginning, but it is so liberating when the search is over.
Have Boundaries — It’s perfectly normal to be sad and to allow yourself to be sad but remember not to dwell here. Tears are cleansing so cry it out when it’s safe but remember to pick yourself back up again.
Hang Out with Your Friends and Family — If you have lost touch or been disconnected from your other loved ones during the relationship, it’s time to reconnect. Even if you think some of those bridges may be burned, reach out anyways, most likely they’ll still be there for you.
Do Something Special Just for You — Take a little trip, find a fun class, take up a new hobby or one that you’ve been putting off.
Talk It Out — Founder of Healing Hearts ♡ an online counseling practice, Jessica Rizk emphasizes the importance of “empathetic listening” to her clients because sometimes we just need to talk about it.
You could plan a photoshoot that’s all about you and come get your makeup done 💄 This is a turning point for you and this experience will really help to boost your self-esteem when you need it the most.
To Wrap up
Heartbreak is never easy, it may be one of the worst pains you’ll feel in your lifetime. It’s a brutal process that will only make you stronger in the end. Reflection is a very important step in this process for understanding what went wrong, and what can be done better the next time around. Imagine stepping stones leading to a beautiful garden; each stepping stone represents a past relationship and a lesson learned, leading you to the next, and the next, eventually bringing you to the beautiful place you were always meant to be.
Lean on the ones that are there for you and don’t be afraid to seek help if it’s needed. There is nothing to be ashamed of and coping with the loss of a relationship can be extremely difficult so you don’t have to do it alone.